Have you bought dog food lately? You no longer have to settle for a gooey glob of unidentifiable “something.” These days there is a virtual cornucopia of different things that you can feed your dog – even gourmet dog food that looks as good as anything that you might find in a five-star restaurant.

I say all of this as a way of explaining what happened last Christmas, and to let you see that I am not totally to blame for what followed…

My wife went shopping and came home with a big bag full of fancy Christmas dog treats. They looked every bit as good as regular Christmas cookies. Some of them were even shaped like Santa or like bells and Christmas stars. I am not ashamed to say that my mouth watered when I saw them. Anyway, she opened the bag and gave one to the dog who woofed it down in one gulp without even bothering to find out what it tasted like. Our dog has never been known for his discerning pallet. Then she put the rest of the treats into a plastic bucket, snapped the lid in place and put it on the top shelf in the pantry.

Now, I am not proud of what I did next, but my curiosity got the best of me. They looked so real and so tasty that I couldn’t stop thinking about them. I was so obsessed with the desire to try one that I couldn’t sleep.

Finally, I couldn’t take anymore. I quietly slipped out of bed and crept downstairs. Opening the pantry, I reached up and grabbed the bucket of dog treats. Tearing off the lid, I reached in and pulled out a particularly festive looking treat. I only hesitated a moment before popping it into my mouth. OH MY GOD!! I had never tasted anything so good! I took another, and then another. Before I realized it, I had eaten half of the bucket!

My redheaded-sweetheart is no dummy. She was sure to notice how many treats were missing, and there is no way that our dog could have helped himself to the delectable doggie delights. I had to find some way to disguise my crime. That’s when I remembered the box of Christmas cookies that I had gotten from a coworker (we’ll call her Betty). Betty always handed out cookies at Christmas time to all of us in the office. However, she was a heavy smoker and her cookies always smelled like cigarettes, so I had tossed them into the trash when I got home from work that evening. Digging through the trash, I found the cookies that Betty had given me and I used them to replace the dog treats that I had eaten.

Feeling pretty clever with myself, I replaced the bucket of dog treats on the shelf in the pantry and went back to bed sure that no one would be the wiser.

Several weeks went by and we started to notice our dog acting funny. He walked funny, he acted nervously and he started chasing his tail, which he had never done before. He just wasn’t himself, so we took him to see the vet. They ran all kinds of tests on him and then broke the news to us. Somehow, our dog has developed a nicotine addiction. My wife is at a complete loss to explain how this could have happened. I, of course, feigned complete ignorance (which is pretty much my default position anyways).

In the months that followed, my wife smothered the dog with extra kindness and affection. She really loves him and did her best to nurse him through this rough patch in his life.

Not only did the nicotine-laced cookies have an effect on the poor dog, but all of those dog treats that I consumed had an effect on me as well; and if Tami ever catches me drinking from the toilet, I’m going to have a lot of explaining to do.